2016 Highlights

January

Matt and I decided to move in together. 💓

February  

Crazy busy with yearbook. 😝

March

Matt turned 36. I went to spring training games with Matt, Grant and Daniel, and Suzanne and Susie. Pam and I dyed eggs for our 6th Eggstravaganza. Also went to the Tucson Festival of Books with Mary.

April

Matt & I moved in together. We also saw Third Eye Blind at The Orpheum in Flagstaff.

May

Finished my 9th year of teaching!

June

Went yurting with Annette, Katie, Ashley, and Mara in Flagstaff. Matt and I went to Coronado Island.

July

Matt finished the bookshelves and we binged on Stranger Things.

August

Mom and Sarah finally moved to AZ! The Gerth clan (Tina, Grandma, Karla, Ginger, Jamie, Ashley) visited Arizona.

September

I turned 39 and Lou turned 4 on the same day. The next day, I had surgery.

October

I spent the month on medical leave and watched a LOT of baseball!

November

THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!

December

Matt & I had a white Christmas in Flagstaff. 

2015 Highlights

January

Took a yoga class for the first time. I loved it.

February  

My cousin, Beth, and my mom made visits to Arizona.

March

Went with Grant (and this year Daniel too) to our annual spring training game of Brewers vs. Cubs. Got caught up in March Madness...the Badgers were so close.

April

Started volunteer work with PAWS out of Petco, taking care of all the cats available for adoption.

May

Saw U2 with Matt and dyed my hair blue.

June

Sarah visited Arizona and I went back to Quincy for two weeks.

July

Gwen and I went to Coronado Island, saw Third Eye Blind for the first time ever with Matt, and saw Imagine Dragons with Daniel

August

The Gerth clan (Tina, Grandma, Karla, Jamie, Ashley, Sammy, Gwen) visited Arizona

September

Turned 38 and celebrated by adopting Lucifer Poe (Lou) from Lexi

October

Mom visited again. Painted my first canvas ("Wicked") with Sarah at Uptown Art.

November

Traveled to Orlando with the newspaper kids. Daniel and I had our 2nd annual BroSis Thanksgiving.

December

First year I've ever sent out Christmas cards. Read a lot of books. Binge-watched The Newsroom.

My Bell Jar

I wrote this a couple of years ago over the course of several weeks. At the time, I was battling a suffocating depression that engulfed my entire being.  And it lasted for months. A year. Then two. Today, I am better. Not great. But I am okay.

Depression is...

bursting into tears at a stoplight

walking the mall to not be alone

eating by oneself 

waking up with a heavy heart, a lump in your throat, and tears in your eyes

listening to the saddest lyrics

isolating

eating nothing

eating everything

falling apart at your desk

waiting...waiting...waiting...

saying, "I can't tonight..."

knowing your logic is skewed

overwhelming

pretending to be okay

lying to cover your weakness

creating stories

lacking self-worth

seeking any second of happiness

dripping with dejection

paralyzing over-analyzing 

being afraid all of the time

hoping for fatal turbulence

wishing the Mayans were right

praying for sleep to come

dreaming in nightmares

awaking suddenly at 4 in the morning

crying yourself to sleep

swelling eye lids and tear ducts

silencing

consuming

attempting to manage

finding a new normal

dissolving connections

needing to fall asleep with the TV on

sleeping on top of the covers

preserving a scent

thinking obsessively

drowning in sadness on a sunny day

ignoring phone calls

falling into the bell jar

fearing the return of melancholia 

losing your words

asking unanswered questions

attempting to forget

lacking anything to look forward to

aching heartbreak

knowing many, but not being able to call any of them

leaving mid-party

giving up

searching for hope

searching for hopelessness

realizing six months post- is no better

longing to be included

Grandpa Tom

Thomas Reed Stoppenbach | July 17, 1923 to December 8, 2013

• The first time I head the song "Somethin' Stupid" by Frank Sinatra & Nancy Sinatra I was sitting in my grandpa's room with him at his house. This song came on the TV and he started singing along. It always makes me think of him. 
• Grandpa was a WWII veteran. He glided into Holland and was captured. He was transported in a boxcar to a prison camp and held there for seven months during which time he kept a journal. 
• My grandpa was a carpenter by hobby. He made many things for me including bookcases, a desk, a swing, a nativity set, and a hope chest. 
• Although this occurred before my time, Grandpa was a teacher too.
• Grandpa loved the Cubs. Family pictures show me sporting a Cubs hat by fourth grade. I thought sports were absolutely boring, but I liked to sit with Grandpa in his room while he watched the game on TV and listened to the broadcast on his headphones. His favorite phrase during these occasions was "God damn it".
• Although it was okay for Grandpa to cuss out the Cubs, he frowned upon swearing in general. Once, I used the f-word (the one and only time I swore in front of him) after I was stung by a bee, which was so severe I had to go to the ER for a shot. As I was crying in agony, Grandpa scolded me for using such awful language. "Don't worry, Grandpa...I'm fiiiine!"
• Humming. Grandpa was always humming something, especially while he worked. He was like one of the Seven Dwarfs. 
• Grandpa loved to read. He could sit and read for hours at a time like I can. 
• Grandpa was very old-fashioned. After reading a biography about Clint Eastwood he expressed how didn't care for Eastwood anymore after learning of his womanizing ways. And he didn't like to read books that were too racy either... :)
• Whenever Grandpa kissed me on the cheek, he made this loud smacking sound with his lips. 
• I hung out in Grandpa's bedroom--which was also like his living room--a lot when I was a kid. I always wanted to know what he was watching, or listening to, or reading, or tinkering with...
• Grandpa enjoyed having breakfast at a dirty-spoon diner. He often walked to these locales and when I still lived in Watertown I occasionally would see him on his walks. After I graduated from college and before I moved to Arizona, I was a waitress at the Rose Garden Cafe, which Grandpa frequented nearly every day for his poached eggs. 
• Grandpa usually spelled my name with a C and signed his letters "Uncle Tom". Even so, I always appreciated the thought.
• He was very generous. He sent many-a Christmas check and helped me make up the difference in my tuition one semester. 
• Grandpa liked old movies and music. I watched (or, sat through) many old flicks with Grandpa when I was little.
• Grandpa had a hideous green chair that sat in the living room of my grandparents' house. This is where he read the paper and watched the nightly news. I often sat in his chair and pretended to be him.
• Grandpa loved food. When he ate apples, he ate the whole thing--core and all. He also loved angel-food cake and strawberries.
• Grandpa tricked me with the usual pranks: opting for a nickel over a dime because of the size difference and convincing me that eating watermelon seeds would make watermelons grow in your belly.
• When he still lived in his house, Grandpa puttered around in the basement from morning until supper. He had a "wood shop" down there and he'd fix things, and make things, and break things...
• Grandpa liked to travel and he liked to drive everywhere. When I was very young I took many day-trips with him around Wisconsin. 
• I was sort-of a nuisance as a kid and I often pestered my grandpa. In addition to the multitude of "What's this?" and "What's this do?" questions while he was working, I also played a lot of tricks on him. One time I hid behind his chair and waited until he sat down and then I attached alligator clips to his ears. (That didn't go over well, and I never did it again!)
• One of my favorite memories of Grandpa was in January of this year. I was home and he was ill. I was leaving and it was a hard time in both our lives. I said, "I love you so much, Grandpa" and he responded "Not as much as I love you."

  

  Cousin Ryan, me, Grandma, and Grandpa 2005

  
  

  

  Grandpa's Birthday at Uncle Dan's house

  
  

  

  I'm pretty sure Grandpa kept these gifts for 25 years...

  
  

  

  Christmas with Grandpa & Uncle Dan.
  Apparently it was an ugly sweater contest for me.

  
  

  

  Eating grapes and reading the paper, like Grandpa

  
  

  

  Dan, Grandpa, and me on Grandpa's 89th Birthday

  
  

  

  Grandpa with his signed Fergie Jenkins's book

  
  

  

  Another birthday of Grandpa's

  
  

  

  Grandma, Mom, me-with-Cubs-hat and Charlie, and Grandpa

  
  

  

  Reading the inscription on Grandpa's Fergie Jenkins's book

  
  

  

  Grandpa and Uncle Dan

  
  

  

  January 2013

  
  

  

  July 17, 2013 ~ Grandpa's 90th Birthday

Favorite Quotes

"Words can be so heavy." M. Zusak

One of my favorite books is I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak (see Books That Made Me Cry). Beautifully written, heartbreaking and heartwarming. Words can make or break you.

"Everything affects everything." J. Asher

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher is another favorite. The central character of the book writes a letter to all those who influenced her suicide. While the story is a work of fiction, this quote is so true. Even the simplest words and actions can have a rippling effect.

"Happiness is only real, when shared." Into the Wild

Read any self-help book or talk to any therapist and they'll say "You need to make yourself happy first before you can be happy with anyone else." I think that's a bit misleading. True, you have to "find yourself" and figure out who you are, etc, etc, but can sheer happiness exist if you're not experiencing it with others?

"Let me tell you, I know you don't want to listen to your father, I didn't listen to mine, and I am telling you, you gotta pay attention this time. When life reaches out with a woman like this, it's a sin if you don't reach back; I'm telling you, it's a sin if you don't reach back! It'll haunt you the rest of your days like a curse. You're facing a big challenge in your life right now at this very moment, right here. That girl loves you; she really, really loves you. I don't know if Nikki ever did, but she sure as shit doesn't right now. So don't fuck this up." Pat Sr. to Pat Jr., Silver Linings Playbook

Sometimes you just need someone who loves you to tell you you're acting like an idiot. Great movie, great line.

"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head." J. Asher

Another brilliant line from Thirteen Reasons Why. It's actually not that brilliant; it's a commonsense way of explaining the hurt to someone who just doesn't "get it".

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

I have this quote posted in several places in my classroom. My kids love it because it reminds them they're all intelligent in their own right.

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does." Peter McWilliams

I discovered this quote after a breakup, and despite the hurt I felt, it reminded me that I was brave.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." Anonymous

This quote has a special meaning for me. I posted it shortly after meeting R. I had felt like the caterpillar for so long, and suddenly I was the butterfly.

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." Lord Byron

I've poured my heart into a journal of some sort since the 7th grade.

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." J. Picoult

It can be far easier to isolate one's self...but then "happiness is only real when shared".

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." Tom Robbins

Yes, yes, yes, yes....

"If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." J. M. Barrie

Ain't it the truth.

Favorite Shortems

The Rose that Grew from Concrete 

by Tupac Shakur

Did you hear about the rose that grew

from a crack in the concrete?

Proving nature's law is wrong it

learned to walk without having feet.

Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams,

it learned to breathe fresh air.

Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no on else ever cared.

A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

(untitled) by Frederick Peterson

The sweetest flower that blows,

I give you as we part.

For you it is a rose,

For me it is my heart.

You're Gone (author unknown)

How do I feel,

people ask.

How do I feel?

That's the problem.

I don't.

(untitled) by Ric Masten

put me in your human eye

come taste

the bitter tears

that i cry

touch me

with your human hand

hear me with your ear

but notice me

damn you

notice me

i'm here.

(untitled) by Javan

If you can just turn

and walk away

And feel there's nothing more

You need to say

And you do not feel a tearing

In your heart

If you can so easily

forget about me

And all the things

I tried to be

Then I guess there was really no

reason for you to stay

(untitled) by Langston Hughes

I loved my friend.

He went away from me.

There's nothing more to say.

The poem ends, 

soft as it began--

I loved my friend.

This Week (So Far) in Five

This has been a very emotional week so far, and it doesn't appear as if it'll let-up anytime soon. "My Day in Five" is supposed to be just a list of words or short phrases describing one's day, but more words are needed here. 

1. My sister's boyfriend, Blake, is facing a significant challenge in his fight with cancer. He was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in January 2012 and has dealt with numerous surgeries, chemo, and radiation treatments. He frequently travels from Illinois to Houston, Texas, for his doctor appointments and treatments. His checkup in Houston on Monday did not give him the hopeful and positive news we all wanted to hear. Please say a prayer for him. Think positive thoughts. Share your good, healing energy. To support Blake's fight financially, you can purchase a survival strap or key fob online: Team Blake.
2. Also learned on Monday that Allie, my childhood babysitter's husband, passed away. I've known him since I was a very little girl and he was like another grandpa to me. He and his wife, Stella, were a wonderful couple. I feel terrible that she has lost the love of her life.
3. My brother, Dan, left today. It's quiet. And nothing seems funny anymore. I miss him...
4. My sister, Sarah, left today. I worry about her. I admire her. I wish I could hug her...
5. Grandpa's 90th birthday is today. Wish I could've seen him open his gifts (Cubs socks, T-shirt, and book, Calico Joe).